Conversations With My Fake Boyfriend


"Christa, I’m concerned about how all your days are blending together into a bacchanalia of editing gay sex & not doing any writing. Your schedule is absurd & you speak to few real people over the age of 12 anymore. Something will need to change soon if you’re going to make it through the winter. Now come slide between my wide open thighs so I can hold you tenderly & convince you with my gentle hands to work less.”
Sep 23

"Christa, I’m concerned about how all your days are blending together into a bacchanalia of editing gay sex & not doing any writing. Your schedule is absurd & you speak to few real people over the age of 12 anymore. Something will need to change soon if you’re going to make it through the winter. Now come slide between my wide open thighs so I can hold you tenderly & convince you with my gentle hands to work less.”

Sep 18

"You are right about many things. Not Your Mother’s Beach Babe Salt Spray DOES help me achieve a more rugged, tousled look. Also, your legs are incredibly smooth. I notice these things. Now, make your crochet loops and knots while I whisper soft things to you as if you were a frightened horse. And never will I beat you with my belt for your transgressions; let us not speak of such."

(Source: jmrichards)


"Sweater weather, baby. Let’s go walk that dumbass dog of yours and I can tell you stories about my depraved youth. I know you’ve got work to do but let’s just take this little break, okay?" 
Sep 11

"Sweater weather, baby. Let’s go walk that dumbass dog of yours and I can tell you stories about my depraved youth. I know you’ve got work to do but let’s just take this little break, okay?" 


"Aww, baby. Don’t be like that. Look on the bright side! I’ve got no sleeves and there’s holes in the knees of my jeans and I’ve practically got my mullet fully grown-out now, so once you finish your stuff, we can play High School Make Out if you want. I’ll even buy you a deck of Marlboro Reds for old time’s sake."
Sep 9

"Aww, baby. Don’t be like that. Look on the bright side! I’ve got no sleeves and there’s holes in the knees of my jeans and I’ve practically got my mullet fully grown-out now, so once you finish your stuff, we can play High School Make Out if you want. I’ll even buy you a deck of Marlboro Reds for old time’s sake."

(Source: weavingmarrow, via psychoanthrowalker)


"Go finish your edits. We’ll be here, defending what’s left of humanity. Then when you’re done, we’ll go eat coconut cream pie. Or take off our clothes for you. You know. Either way. Whatever you like." 
Sep 4

"Go finish your edits. We’ll be here, defending what’s left of humanity. Then when you’re done, we’ll go eat coconut cream pie. Or take off our clothes for you. You know. Either way. Whatever you like." 

(via lolalobastark)


"Of course we’ll shave our beards off first. Secondary razor burn is no joke. But get in here and strip off all your clothes already. There’s only so much time, sweetheart, and we’ve got jobs to do."
Aug 15

"Of course we’ll shave our beards off first. Secondary razor burn is no joke. But get in here and strip off all your clothes already. There’s only so much time, sweetheart, and we’ve got jobs to do."


"I know that you feel all sweaty today but you’re still so pretty anyway. You can’t even tell you didn’t take a shower." 
Aug 11

"I know that you feel all sweaty today but you’re still so pretty anyway. You can’t even tell you didn’t take a shower." 

(Source: nonormynolife, via chandra75)


"Oh, hey I’m a blond slob, too, in my hoodie smoking heaters! Why don’t you come over here and gimme a kiss or something? Then we’ll go inside and eat meatballs."
Jul 18

"Oh, hey I’m a blond slob, too, in my hoodie smoking heaters! Why don’t you come over here and gimme a kiss or something? Then we’ll go inside and eat meatballs."

(Source: algemesii1, via allaboutflandus)


'No. For the millionth time, no. I'm not cutting my hair. Just cos you hate hair all over your face, doesn't mean I do. And I like how it hides my ears. They stick out a bit and sometimes I get self conscious about it.'
Jul 17

'No. For the millionth time, no. I'm not cutting my hair. Just cos you hate hair all over your face, doesn't mean I do. And I like how it hides my ears. They stick out a bit and sometimes I get self conscious about it.'


Trish. Dude. You’re overthinking it again. Relax, have a burrito, and then we’ll go skinny dipping, okay?
Jul 16

Trish. Dude. You’re overthinking it again. Relax, have a burrito, and then we’ll go skinny dipping, okay?

Jul 8

"Yeah, you can tell that Andrew Smith guy to shut it. My hair’s beside the point. The thing yall should notice about me are my fucking masterful arms. Not too big, but not insignificant. The Goldilocks of male biceps, if you will. Now get in this car I just fixed with my rough-around-the-edges know-how and lemme buy you an ice cream cone.”

(Source: nonormynolife, via normanreedushasruinedmylife)


"Okay, you’ve been married 15 years, that’s nice. I am still going to be your fake boyfriend, though, because that’s the secret behind all successful relationships." 
Jul 3

"Okay, you’ve been married 15 years, that’s nice. I am still going to be your fake boyfriend, though, because that’s the secret behind all successful relationships." 

Jun 19

"Lie in bed naked all day with Trish watching the World Cup? Why the hell not? She’s finished her book; the woman deserves some down time.”

(Source: fabuloustomhardy, via liquidxsoul)


"I know. It’s rough going right now. One step at a time. You can’t always be thinking too far ahead. Boots first, then corset, darling. That’s right. Easy, now. You’ll get there." 
Jun 16

"I know. It’s rough going right now. One step at a time. You can’t always be thinking too far ahead. Boots first, then corset, darling. That’s right. Easy, now. You’ll get there." 

(Source: spreadyourblackenedwings, via psychoanthrowalker)


"Jesus Christ. Stop. No. I’m done listening. Put down the potato chips, take a shower, rub that lilac sugar shit all over yourself, and then do your goddamn work. Hand to god, no one cares about all your little twinges and aches. You got indoor plumbing? Then I don’t want to hear you complain. No, I don’t want any gelato. Good lord.”
Jun 12

"Jesus Christ. Stop. No. I’m done listening. Put down the potato chips, take a shower, rub that lilac sugar shit all over yourself, and then do your goddamn work. Hand to god, no one cares about all your little twinges and aches. You got indoor plumbing? Then I don’t want to hear you complain. No, I don’t want any gelato. Good lord.”