Conversations With My Fake Boyfriend


"Of course we’ll shave our beards off first. Secondary razor burn is no joke. But get in here and strip off all your clothes already. There’s only so much time, sweetheart, and we’ve got jobs to do."
Aug 15

"Of course we’ll shave our beards off first. Secondary razor burn is no joke. But get in here and strip off all your clothes already. There’s only so much time, sweetheart, and we’ve got jobs to do."


"I know that you feel all sweaty today but you’re still so pretty anyway. You can’t even tell you didn’t take a shower." 
Aug 11

"I know that you feel all sweaty today but you’re still so pretty anyway. You can’t even tell you didn’t take a shower." 

(Source: nonormynolife, via chandra75)


"Oh, hey I’m a blond slob, too, in my hoodie smoking heaters! Why don’t you come over here and gimme a kiss or something? Then we’ll go inside and eat meatballs."
Jul 18

"Oh, hey I’m a blond slob, too, in my hoodie smoking heaters! Why don’t you come over here and gimme a kiss or something? Then we’ll go inside and eat meatballs."

(Source: algemesii1, via allaboutflandus)


'No. For the millionth time, no. I'm not cutting my hair. Just cos you hate hair all over your face, doesn't mean I do. And I like how it hides my ears. They stick out a bit and sometimes I get self conscious about it.'
Jul 17

'No. For the millionth time, no. I'm not cutting my hair. Just cos you hate hair all over your face, doesn't mean I do. And I like how it hides my ears. They stick out a bit and sometimes I get self conscious about it.'


Trish. Dude. You’re overthinking it again. Relax, have a burrito, and then we’ll go skinny dipping, okay?
Jul 16

Trish. Dude. You’re overthinking it again. Relax, have a burrito, and then we’ll go skinny dipping, okay?

Jul 8

"Yeah, you can tell that Andrew Smith guy to shut it. My hair’s beside the point. The thing yall should notice about me are my fucking masterful arms. Not too big, but not insignificant. The Goldilocks of male biceps, if you will. Now get in this car I just fixed with my rough-around-the-edges know-how and lemme buy you an ice cream cone.”

(Source: nonormynolife, via normanreedushasruinedmylife)


"Okay, you’ve been married 15 years, that’s nice. I am still going to be your fake boyfriend, though, because that’s the secret behind all successful relationships." 
Jul 3

"Okay, you’ve been married 15 years, that’s nice. I am still going to be your fake boyfriend, though, because that’s the secret behind all successful relationships." 

Jun 19

"Lie in bed naked all day with Trish watching the World Cup? Why the hell not? She’s finished her book; the woman deserves some down time.”

(Source: fabuloustomhardy, via liquidxsoul)


"I know. It’s rough going right now. One step at a time. You can’t always be thinking too far ahead. Boots first, then corset, darling. That’s right. Easy, now. You’ll get there." 
Jun 16

"I know. It’s rough going right now. One step at a time. You can’t always be thinking too far ahead. Boots first, then corset, darling. That’s right. Easy, now. You’ll get there." 

(Source: spreadyourblackenedwings, via psychoanthrowalker)


"Jesus Christ. Stop. No. I’m done listening. Put down the potato chips, take a shower, rub that lilac sugar shit all over yourself, and then do your goddamn work. Hand to god, no one cares about all your little twinges and aches. You got indoor plumbing? Then I don’t want to hear you complain. No, I don’t want any gelato. Good lord.”
Jun 12

"Jesus Christ. Stop. No. I’m done listening. Put down the potato chips, take a shower, rub that lilac sugar shit all over yourself, and then do your goddamn work. Hand to god, no one cares about all your little twinges and aches. You got indoor plumbing? Then I don’t want to hear you complain. No, I don’t want any gelato. Good lord.”


"Dunno why I didn’t see it before. But you are always right. Let’s go get milkshakes." 
Jun 5

"Dunno why I didn’t see it before. But you are always right. Let’s go get milkshakes." 

(Source: carowen24, via likeapeach)


"See, I can wear a goddamn BLANKET & look excellent. It’s all in how you work it, girl. Stop fussing with your t-shirt. Just step in your boots and go already. Time’s winged chariot and all that. Yeah, I know that poem. I went to high school, didn’t I? Sometimes I think you don’t even see me."
May 30

"See, I can wear a goddamn BLANKET & look excellent. It’s all in how you work it, girl. Stop fussing with your t-shirt. Just step in your boots and go already. Time’s winged chariot and all that. Yeah, I know that poem. I went to high school, didn’t I? Sometimes I think you don’t even see me."


"God, you’re a funny lady. Have I mentioned that lately? You crack my shit up, girl. Gimme another piece of that pie you baked, the kind you have to eat with a spoon because it didn’t set right. Naw, I don’t give a shit. It’s goddamn pudding & crust. What’s not to love?"
May 28

"God, you’re a funny lady. Have I mentioned that lately? You crack my shit up, girl. Gimme another piece of that pie you baked, the kind you have to eat with a spoon because it didn’t set right. Naw, I don’t give a shit. It’s goddamn pudding & crust. What’s not to love?"


See how my eyes glisten, Trish? They are tears of sadness because you are a slacker. No running your fingers through the magnificent hair until you finish your manuscri—oh, very well, one touch. But then back to work, you naughty girl.  
May 27

See how my eyes glisten, Trish? They are tears of sadness because you are a slacker. No running your fingers through the magnificent hair until you finish your manuscri—oh, very well, one touch. But then back to work, you naughty girl.  


"Fuck it, you’re right. Let’s just dance around the house all day long to the Pitch Perfect soundtrack in our underwear. Goddamn, but you have brilliant ideas, woman."
May 21

"Fuck it, you’re right. Let’s just dance around the house all day long to the Pitch Perfect soundtrack in our underwear. Goddamn, but you have brilliant ideas, woman."

(Source: nonormynolife, via normanreedushasruinedmylife)